Getting an extension is like pulling teeth

Hoi... so I just got back from the counselor's office to snag my 2nd pre-major extension (what? I didn't know what I was going to be doing) and of course the counselor gives me this long lecture about it and how she was hesitant to give it to me and I had to be ABSOLUTELY sure. I'm just kinda looking at her and I want to desperately say, "What's the big deal? The chumps at the university are getting their money! I believe whole heartedly that the UW as a whole could care less about what students do in the following years after they graduate."

I understand that I'm a transfer student, and the downside to this is that you're getting hyper penalized for going to a school prior to the university. I've literally been here for only 2 full quarters and am working on my third. Can you imagine how aggitating it is to enter a school only to be pushed right back towards the door. I was honestly about ready to cry right then and there. This is not making education after high school sound the least bit better. The lady looks at me and goes "You certainly have a lot of music courses." I just kind of look at her and go "Well, I wanted to be a music major, but it's competitive and I have to audition. I did that and your 'fabulous' music department said 'no.'" Ugh. I hate the University of Washington.

I wonder though... what would happen if I wasn't granted any more extensions? The counselor said most universities work this way. Would I be locked out forever? When does any of this stuff expire? What happens to people when they realize that they wouldn't be able to change career options? I don't know... in a way I feel like I have officially wasted my time to the point where it has jeopardized my opportunites.

I just don't know what I'm going to do. This small drop-in appointment has literally scared the shit out of me. I am so terrified of going to school because I know that there's this added pressure. For all of the money that the school recieves from tuition, what would it matter? They're getting their money. They should be happy that they're getting plenty of it to fund this shit hole.

The part that really stinks is that I'm having a break down at the moment... and I can't just go home. It takes three whole hours to get back home. Not to mention, I have to meet with a group to discuss a couple of things at 1:30 today... I've got five hours before I get home.

Ugh. I hate feeling this way.

My only game plan is to strive for 20 credits next quarter. Then I think I'll be finished soon enough. Well, I actually am not too positive on what I'm going to do. A part of me wants to drop school all together. A part of me wants to stay because I worry what people will think. While I was in Arkansas, I flat out told them that I was going to school to satisfy everybody. They looked at me and said, "You're just saying that. You're doing it for you." and I flat out told them, "No, I'm not. I'm only going because I'm pressured into going. If I don't do it, I feel like I'm going to be in big trouble with someone." They eventually gave in and said if it wasn't what I wanted to do, then I shouldn't be doing it. And I shouldn't be. It feels like I settled for UW, I settled for the English major, and I settled for the goal of becoming a teacher.

I hate school. I'm miserable. And if I end up teaching little bastards, I'm going to be even more miserable. You want to know what I want out of life? I want to be making 45,000 a year. That's it. That's more than enough. With an associates degree, I probably can already be put into a position where I can work up to that easily. I am happy right now. I have always been happy no matter how poor I have been. I am more than willing to work at the shipyard as an office worker.

I feel like I need to talk to somebody for advice about this. I want to talk to my mom, I want to talk to Donna, I want to talk to somebody who ISN'T a UW counselor.

I'm venting... tomorrow, I'll probably feel better. It's just that if I quit school... what if I want to go back again down the road? Do they pardon this kind of thing? It feels like I'm in cold sweats shakilly pointing a gun and can't make up my mind on what target to shoot.

Lookit who's been keeping up!

So, a man purposefully set himself on fire last Thursday in the middle of our school and died. That was pretty rad. Like, in a "what a way to go out!" sort of thing. I'm still not sure if they announced who he was or what the motive was. It was kind of interesting to go to school on Friday and see the scorch marks on the pavement. Weird.

I so anxiously want to move out and get my own place... the only problem is both Alex and I don't make enough money constantly (he has a sub job, I get tips waitressing and therefor it is not recorded as actual income) I almost want to just suck it up and get maybe a one bedroom instead of a two bedroom apartment. I don't know. I'm just finding myself not really wanting to go home and after Portland I feel like I'm ready. I know precisely what I can live with and what I can't stand.

And I totally want my own espresso machine that I can make coffee early in the morning along with breakfast. I dunno... I kind of want to make breakfast for Alex and myself on a regular basis... I hate spending money on food at school, so hopefully it will alleviate that.

Of course, I have all these plans to make breakfast and essentially "play house" (for lack of a better word) even though I know damn well that my ass will be hitting the snooze button constantly and get ready at the last minute. Maybe MAYBE, I will grab a pop-tart on the way out. Whatever... at least with my own place, I am free to have sex wherever and whenever I feel like it without worrying about bothering other people in the house. I also can have get togethers... and... PARTY LIGHT PARTIES. And all that other crap. I wonder what holidays would be like at my own place.

So many fantasies, but I need more planning. Plus, I intend to find a possible third job... and hopefully, it will be decent enough for me to quit my other two. Still kind of looking. What would be really great is if I had a stay at home job. Maybe for a billing agency? I noticed that there are a lot of "maybe's" in this post. I unfortunately think that it reflects my terrible indecisiveness and my fear of taking risks. Alex even suffers the same lament... so I think this is what's making all of this difficult. We're worried about debt, eviction, and we're worried about how well we can control ourselves from unnecessary spending. What I want is for him to find another job like I am so we have a stable income that we can present to a landlord. That school district is not going to hire him. The people of Port Orchard don't give two shits about education, so we have one failed levy after another. I want us to find better jobs.

Anywho... I should probably head back to Port Orchard. Let's see... it's what? 1 PM? I'll probably get back there at around 5 PM... 4 hours of commuting. What a pain in the ass.